The Currency Of Motherhood: Affection

A few weeks ago I was getting Gemma out of the bath and getting her ready for bed. We have a routine for this that we've stuck to with very few variations since she was born. Bath, Lotion, Brush Hair, Brush Teeth, Prayers, Lights Out... I was putting lotion on her and she asked me "Mama, why do you put lotion on my skin everyyyyyy night of my life?" She was clearly not up for this step and, as always, would rather skip right to teeth brushing because that usually involves at least a few minutes of playing in the water and Goggle Spit (mouthwash!). My answer was that I do it because it's my responsibility to take care of her skin until she is big enough to do it. That made sense to her, it was simple and so she said "well... Thank you, Mama."

So much of our relationships are give and take. But parenthood defies that rule because for a lot of the time we are someones Mother we give... and give and give and give. We sacrifice our bodies, our health, our sleep, our desires, our other relationships and in truth our freedom.  But if you have enjoyed it like I have, I give of those things freely and abundantly. When she says "thank you for caring for my skin", that is my return. That is all the reward I need to press on into the deep dark, sometimes scary cavern that is motherhood.

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So this time I want to talk about affection. It's a part of motherhood that I marveled at before I was even carrying a child. It's the first language I learned. It's the first commodity that I recognized in myself as valuable and when I did, I poured out that affection to people around me who I loved deeply. As I grew up, I shifted from giving a childlike affection to a mature and even more valuable kind. 

When I got married, I became a mom... My husband gave me two perfect little people to be stepmom to. Surely enough, they came with deep, insatiable desires to feel loved and valued and because they were young there were no barriers between us. The usual barriers that come along with a blended family never existed for us and so right from the start we shared a care and concern for each other that thrives today. I gave them a boundless affection and never asked for space or distinction between what was mine and what was theirs... We spent hours talking about Minecraft and holding hands, painting nails and braiding hair. Taking naps together and trading kisses... Because of our affection they belonged to me and I belonged to them.

A few years later Gemma came. I remember feeling her kick and thinking... the best part of my life will be holding her little body in my arms and seeing her face, the best part of my life will be that heavy responsibility that will settle over my shoulders and on my head like a crown... I will never not be her Mom. I had already come to see myself as equal to the task because of that wealth of love and affection I'd recognized in myself as a child. I thought, this is a love that encompasses all that being their mother will bring. This is a love that is worth whatever it takes. Affection is the physical manifestation of that intangible love that lives in me and every other mother in the world... Affection is the first language we speak, the first form of communication we have with our children. 

There are so many studies and pieces of research about how the lack of affection impacts the human brain. Children starved for affection are more likely to be lonely, depressed, stressed adults. Physical affection also teaches us about the existence of deeper relationships with the people around us. I want my kids to know that I love them but I also want them to be prepared for the other relationships they will enter into down the road. One way I can do that is to show them affection and to teach them what healthy affection looks like. This part of motherhood comes naturally to many of us. It's one of the sweeter gifts in our lives... I've hugged Rue a million times and somehow she learned how to hug me back and there is an unexplainable, invaluable sweetness in that.

God's design shows up in our lives, our relationships, our hearts... but when His love pours out of us in physical form... it's so refreshing. The human agenda is flawed. It can teach hate, resentment, judgement, cruelty... the part of our hearts that belong to God show so much promise in a dark, cold world. Affection, unconditional affection is part of that magic.

At Happiness Home, there's a little girl named Nancy. When Brandon was there earlier this year she was 4. I'm not sure when her birthday is but she's probably 5 now. Small, beautiful, broken.... that was Nancy. She didn't know how to embrace or be embraced. Brandon would hug her, hold her, carry her on his hip... and finally she realized he wasn't gonna change, he wouldn't suddenly become cold, or push her away... he just loved her despite her having no idea what that actually looked like... and I thought to myself that is why he's there... Nancy was the reason for the days of traveling, for the stomach bug Brandon came home with that lasted months afterwards... Nancy was the reason for it all.

There is not a greater gift than the opportunity to share the love Jesus pours into our hearts day in and day out... faithfully and carefully.

I hope you're all having the most wonderful Christmas Season!
XOXO
Miranda