What Is A Wife?

When I was a kid I always told people I'd never get married, jokingly of course. I had a dreamlike childhood. I had such freedom and acceptance at home. My parents loved me completely and could at any moment be found hanging onto my words as I spoke and sharing confirmation, feedback, advice... I was lucky. 

Later, I moved into adolescence and like many teenagers, I fell in love with being in love. Later still, through many heartbreaks and bad decisions I resolved again never would I marry. This time I meant it. People laughed at me and even still they do when I say it, but in my heart I meant it. Relationships are hard and scary and I'd experienced through my own parents divorce the depth of heartbreak that people could so easily bestow on one another...

I spent years jumping from here to there being as noncommittal as possible in every area of my life. I turned into someone I never planned to be. This version of me was bold and inconsiderate... Basically a jerk. I wasn't ever proud of that girl, but I was also never in one spot long enough to notice or care. 

Finally after lots of chasing, karma caught up to me and I found myself pretty sick... I'd ran from so much for so long and I was physically and emotionally exhausted. The first important lesson I learned as an adult was that I'd never be able to run from the truths in my heart, I'd never silence them, starve them or escape them. Family was in my heart and family meant marriage...

All too timely Brandon came into my life... and almost immediately scared me to death. I began to consider the places I'd have to let my mind go and the chances I'd have to take if I wanted a family Those thoughts scared me and if I'm honest there are still moments today that I feel afraid or worried about my marriage, my children, my home...

I thought long and hard about becoming a Wife, becoming a Mother and I knew I'd never experience true fullness in my life if I didn't pursue those things. So we got married, I became a stepmom, we had a baby and then another... Those are the benchmarks and they're important but the things that happened in between, the hard things, have defined my role as a wife. I've acted out of love primarily but I've also acted out of fear, confusion, disappointment, discontentment... because I'm human.

In those moments I've found confirmation of all of my fears about how marriages fall apart... and I've tried daily to choose a different path. When there is anger I strive to reach a place of peace... When there is frustration and disappointment I try hard to be patient and understanding. When we miscommunicate and I am hurt or being hurtful, I remind myself to forgive and ask for forgiveness... and that has made all the difference. 

This is literally a daily battle (1 Corinthians 15:31) because as sweet as everyone seems to think I am, I also happen to be extremely stubborn. I'm terrible at communicating when things are important to me. I care way too much about deadlines and I'm a less than average homemaker. I've overemphasized my right to an opinion and I have, at times, placed a supreme importance on my own thoughts and feelings because as a young wife with a somewhat inexpressive husband I felt that's what I needed to do. 

Imperfect is what I am but Brandon chose me anyways. It's a choice, everyday. At any moment we're allowed to say we don't want to be married anymore, we're allowed to find a lawyer and sign papers that legally dissolve our marriages but what seems to give marriage its value is the accomplishment of getting over every hurdle together.

It has been so incredibly difficult for me to accept and adopt the meekness and gentleness of a biblical wife. I am not meek. My mind is constantly yearning for growth and my soul is deep and expansive. I am more than someones wife and someones mother and I've fought for a place of equality although I never really needed to. How hard is it for you to accept the whole 'wives submit yourselves to your husbands' thing. HARD. Submit? Lay down? Cower? Make myself smaller than? Less Important? Inferior? So hard. (I'm not a feminist, y'all... but its hard.)

My thoughts were, why did God give me gifts and talents, if I'm meant to sit in a dark corner or follow in someone else's shadow... The problem with that thinking was that I had already placed myself in a competition when God made me to be in competition with no one, man or woman.

This is an ongoing process for me and the funniest part of this journey is that I didn't ever struggle with these things before I started focusing on God... My faithfulness, it seems, has brought all of the questions in my heart to light...

All of this being said, I have an amazing husband and a better than average marriage. I'm thankful and grateful and will do my best to protect it and pray for it daily. I guess my point tonight is, don't shy away from commitment because it isn't the cool thing to do... no man is an island...

XOXO
Miranda