An Open Letter To My First Baby

You were a storm of unending and overwhelming love. You taught me what unconditional really meant... I was young and naive and selfish but I wanted you so bad. Wanted to be your mom, a mom, so bad... you were a dream come true. Then you got here and set my world on fire. The fear of the unknown parts of parenting weighed heavy on me then and still do now but you have been a joy to me, a true light in my life since day one. 

Before you became a big sister, almost all of my time was for you. I rocked you to sleep and warmed your bottles and sippy cups until you were two. I went down the slide with you, shared every sno cone, bandaged every scrape no matter how small. You had bubble baths and lavender lotion and a million stories before bed every night, almost every question was answered with a yes. I danced with you in the back yard, we sang for hours and made play doh sculptures of each other... Then you became a big sister and I had to split all of that time in two. 

Now I'm sometimes too tired to sing or dance or tell stupid jokes... and it hurts my heart kid. It hurts that I'm tired, that sometimes I'd really like a break... I feel like I didn't really truly experience motherhood until there were two of you... two daughters and all that that means and all that it brings. These past months have been hard on you. I've expected too much of you. Three short years you've been here and I have expected so much. I forgot that it was only a few months ago that you took up all my time. That I gave of myself endlessly just for you. I'm so sorry for that.

On the days that I remember to take my chill pill and go with the flow our time together is cherished. When I let you set the pace of our days I enjoy them so much more. When I try to squeeze your sweet three year old demeanor into my adult world we clash and I can't even believe it has taken this long for me to realize that. Through it all, just know that no matter how many times I feel like I'm failing, you are so so loved and I will never stop trying to be the Mom you deserve!

All my love,
Momma