The Pain Of Loving Imperfect People

 Lately, I’ve greatly struggled with the injustice that I see in the lives around me. I’ve been infuriated by the sin of others and even more so, my own… Situations and circumstances in the lives of those I love, or more specifically a lack of change in those situations caused something dark to begin growing deep down inside of me. A root of bitter resentment began to take hold of me. Then hopelessness laid itself over my shoulders and really… if I’m honest, over my eyes… I began to see all of the pain and none of the purpose, all of the loss and none of the victory… and as I was kneeling on my laundry room floor, trying to pray that thing out of me… I realized I was really really really mad at God. No matter how hard I tried gasping for air between the tears I couldn’t think the thought away, the truth came out and I was so ashamed and felt so guilty just for thinking it. 

It seemed like He’d left the room right before the ceiling fell in. I felt like it was on me now, to hold this sinking ship together, drink up all the water trying to get in and just swallow it down myself… between whispering to my dying, drowning friends… don’t give up… it’s okay… God does love you, He Hasn’t turned His face from you… But in my heart, I felt like a liar. When I looked at the desperate situations they were in, I was in… it really did look like God had turned His face from us, and what’s worse it really looked like we deserved Him to. 

Now, the experienced Saints will know right off the bat where I went wrong. No matter how bad you want to save the people you love, you aren’t Jesus. I really had gotten twisted up in the “carry each other’s burdens…” part of The Word. I made the simple mistake of carrying more than I safely could… and I’d love to tell you that was the first time and I’ll never do it again but that would just be a lie, and that’s a conversation for another day.

See, I believe something extremely Christ-like happens when you walk right down into the pits of hell next to someone you otherwise have no obligation to. I think that’s just a little bit like what Jesus did when he slung his body over that whipping post, and they hung him on that cross and he was hidden away in that tomb… I think it was my hand He grabbed and it was my sin He bore and it wasn’t just the injustice that happened to me that drove Him there, no… it was the injustice I caused and created, the havoc that I wreaked, the pain that I inflict, the tearing apart of His creation and His people that I have done… He didn’t just save Miranda the victim, He also saved Miranda the oppressor, the aggressor, the perpetrator...

So as I looked on my loved ones in their pain and even while that bitterness grew in me… God spoke to me. It glorifies me, when you lament the grief you see. For you to recognize injustice and be hurt by it, means you know something of my heart… That just confused me really… I thought But do something then! Change it! Heal it! Move the problem away! 

Something so so beautiful about the heart of God is that he doesn’t shame His children when they overstep or disrespect… He lovingly corrects and that’s what He did for me that day. 

It is so funny how we cry out for justice when we recognize injustice in others. When we see wrong being committed against those we love, we demand it be made right. A lot of time without ever zooming out and looking at the bigger picture. But when we recognize injustice in ourselves and in our own actions we conceal it, justify it, make excuses for it… we logic it to death, we therapy it to death and today well… just blame it on your trauma. 

God said, If you bring justice here, it will not be just. It will be biased. I am not working to redeem the circumstance I am working to redeem the hearts involved. 

That’s the story of how my Heavenly Father put me in my place in the most loving way on a random Monday morning while I was crying on the floor of my laundry room… but that’s not all. 

As he spoke, and while I cried he lifted that hopelessness off of me and he pulled up that bitter root of resentment and I literally felt like I was being taken apart… It felt just like Brandon looks when he’s out in the garden pulling up weeds… to make the job easier he breaks up the soil around the plants he’s protecting.. so that when he tugs only the things that choke out life come away… but for a moment fresh air and sunshine rush in to the space around the strong healthy roots of the good plant and they’re strengthened by it. 

Isn’t funny how we created things get so healthy, so productive, so strong in the garden of our Creator that we think we know more than He does. If God had granted my plea for justice, well… we sure would have missed some beautiful things on the journey. A lot of sanctification would not have occurred and most important to remember we’d all have found ourselves in the same sad place again… It is the heart God longs to redeem… It is the heart where change begins… Today I am at peace with not being in charge of the timeline… 

If you look past the pain and dysfunction, not away from it but past it… You will see me. Working from the other side. Keep your eyes on me. 

“I am with you always… to the end of the earth.”

-Jesus

“Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ”

Galatians 6:2

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

Proverbs 4:23

Remember my affliction and my homelessness, the wormwood and the poison. I continually remember them and have become depressed. Yet I call this to mind and therefore I have hope. Because of the Lord’s faithful love we do not perish, for His mercies never end. They are new every morning. Great is Your faithfulness! I say “The Lord is my portion, therefore I have hope in him.”

Lamentations 3:19-24

How long Lord, must I call for help and you do not listen or cry out about violence and you do not save? Why do you force me to look at injustice? Why do you tolerate wrongdoing? Oppression and violence are right in front of me. Strife is ongoing and conflict escalates. This is why the law is ineffective and justice never emerges. For the wicked restrict the righteous, therefore justice comes out perverted.

Habakkuk 1:1-4 (Habakkuk pleading with God)

Look at the nation and observe- be utterly astounded! For I am doing something in your days that you will not believe when you hear about!

Habakkuk 1:5 (God’s first answer to Habakkuk)

I will stand at my guard post and station myself on the lookout tower. I will watch to see what He will say to me and what I should reply about my complaint.

Habakkuk 2:1 (Habakkuk’s first response)

Though the fig tree does not bud and there is no fruit on the vines, though the olive crop fails, and the fields produce no food, though the flocks disappear from the pen and there are no herds in the stalls, yet I will celebrate in the Lord; I will rejoice in the God of my salvation! The Lord my God is my strength; he makes my feet like those of a deer and enables me to walk on mountain heights!”

Habakkuk 3: 17 (Habakkuk’s final response)

XOXO

Miranda

December Again…

 It’s December Again… all of the Christmas decorations are up and the songs are being played. It’s the most wonderful time of the year. Yet, I feel called to a pause. I’m inclined to examine our celebration. I’ve needed God so much this ear. I’ve come so much closer to Him since last December. He asked me to do things this year that terrified me, that I was inadequate for, that without Him I’d never be able to do. He’s been so faithful and so sovereign. He’s increased my life and my effectiveness… I find it hard now that the seasons have turned and we find ourselves here again, I find it hard to celebrate anything but Him.

He is the God who stooped so low to show us the way back home… He is a King stepping off His throne to comfort the lowly and broken ones… but not just those. The undeserving ones, the grieving the hearts of their father’s ones, the lying ones, the stealing ones, the abusive ones, the addicted ones…

me. The corrupted one.

A righteous God entering into sin, born in a squalid place where the sacrificial things live… 

for me and for you. 

As I hang the lights and decorate the tree I want so badly to remember these things. We have all of the traditions and we say all of the usual things… “he’s making his list and checking it twice”, “don’t forget to leave carrots out for the reindeer”, “here’s my christmas list…” There’s nothing wrong with these things. It’s just I measure them against what He’s done. He’s healed and restored me, granted such peace, strengthened me… and the traditions pale in comparison to this great reconciliation. 

An estranged mother and daughter coming back together, that is Christmas. 

A broken body chosen for a miracle, that is Christmas

Courage for the hard conversations that lead to wholeness, that is Christmas. 

Healed minds and hearts, that is Christmas.

This year, I want to honor him. I believe He is calling the hearts of mother’s back to him to disciple our children. To prepare them for the days surely coming when He’ll make a triumphant return and Christmas will come again. 

I’m not attempting to take your traditions away from you or criticize the way you do Christmas but I suspect many mother’s whose charge it is to choose the ornaments and the ribbons, pick the presents and find coordinating paper, send out the cards and prepare the meals… I suspect those many mother’s feel the tug too… In our homes this Christmas we can turn our minds and even more importantly the minds and hearts of our children back to Him. 

We can light some candles and read his story when we sit down to eat dinner, we can re-teach the reason for the gift giving, instead of letting it arbitrarily fall wherever it does, we can give Him the glory. 

Rejoice, my friend. You are saved. 2000 years ago a plan was enacted by all of Heaven. It was your name He thought of when He came. Today you’re lonely, or tired, or just plain struggling but “this momentary light affliction” pales in comparison to “the eternal weight of glory” ahead. I am working hard to remind myself of this. I see you and me free of the weight of shame and hurt and loss. 

Today things aren’t perfect but I have this hope in the form of a promise from an Almighty God… 

“We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain,where our forerunner, Jesus, has entered on our behalf. He has become a high priest forever, in the order of Melchizedek.”

Hebrews 6:19-20

That first Christmas 2000 years ago was our first glimpse of the entering in Jesus has done on for us.

I want to remember this year above all else, He acts on my behalf.

Thank you King Jesus.

XOXO

Miranda

A Letter To My Lost And Found Friends

 A Letter To My Lost and Found Friends

Generations ago, when we walked with God and desperately wanted our friends to come too we’d say “come back home…” it was our plea. Raised in God’s house, we’d say we knew the way… generations later those of us that try to keep in step with God have a different plea.  

Raised in houses claiming God’s name but slaves to sin like pride and envy and idolatry we lost the way… now I grab my road-weary friends by the hand and my plea is “come home, forget what you know… it’s wrong. Come and meet the king for yourself…” and it hurts when you won’t admit how hungry you are… it hurts when you won’t be honest about what you do to numb the ache… the ache for love you were designed to receive but just can’t seem to find. It hurts me but it hurts Him more. 

Disconnected from His people He still seeks… but you turn to every single other thing… you think a new boyfriend will fill the hole, a new job, a new car, a new addiction, another vacation, another distraction… 

My lost friend, you are the mouse on the wheel running but never making progress… and it hurts. It hurts because sometimes that’s me too. When we grab hands and I say to you “let’s go home…” you’re gonna move faster than me sometimes, and sometimes I’ll get ahead of you and when I look back the song I’m singing is “I hope you go… I hope I see you there…” I hope you keep trying and pushing and seeking what’s real. 

I hope you know the only reason my feet are still on this road is because someone ahead of me is chanting my name, like a shot in the dark, asking God to hold me up and hell to leave me alone. Someone ahead of me is cutting their heels on rocks I can’t see and while they’re laboring to climb and struggling to breathe they’re thinking of me. That’s why I keep walking because I see my Father in that love and through it I can feel His fingertips reaching out for me. 

If I’m ahead of you it’s your name that fills my lungs and cry, it’s your name I meditate on as I walk… I mention you to God and he mentions you to me and sometimes I talk to you and this is my plea… 

There is fullness and joy, he gives hope and peace. His will towards you is good and he longs for you to be free. He is willing your liberation with every word He speaks, all of creation is shining, spinning and singing so you’ll see… existence outside of His will is the reason for the pain and emptiness inside of you… but it’s love he longs to give and you’ve decided it’s law. It’s not going well doing it your way. The weight of having all the answers cannot possibly rest on your shoulders… you didn’t create you, you cannot fulfill you. 

You can cry out to all the other Gods of this world but none will answer back… 

Today I’m still walking and I’ve got enough hope to commit to keep going for now but you’ll see me fall, you’ll see me turn back… and you’ll be so far ahead of me that in the distance you won’t be able to see who it is that comes and sits on the side of the road by me. You’ll wonder how he knows me and why he’s so kind, you’ll wonder who could be intimate enough with me to take my hands and pull me into his arms and I pray you look away when I scream at Him at the top of lungs “I’m exhausted, I’m empty.. I cannot go on…” but when you do look back you’ll see a man carrying me and continuing on… 

What I want you to know, what I want you to see so so clearly is that I am walking, my legs are moving and there is dirt on my feet but really and truly it is Him that has always been carrying me. He has bolstered my soul when pain and loss drove me to the ground… and if you let him he’s strong enough to do it for you too.

He loves you.

And so do I.

-Miranda

I have seen the goodness of God…

 We’re HOME!

There’s no way to say quite how full it’s made my heart. Not just because we FINALLY found a home but because of all I’ve seen God do to bring us to this place. His goodness and mercy has done more than follow us, we’ve been shown unimaginable favor and kindness. 

The many faces and hearts that have showed up to contribute to our lives over the past several months have amazed us. The friends who’ve made dinner, helped clean, delivered appliances, laid flooring, helped paint or mow, helped move boxes and take out trash have made us feel so privileged, so blessed and so loved. 

It’s incredible the power the local church has to impact lives and I wonder sometimes if we’re not over complicating it. Relationship changes people… being there, seeing a need and meeting it, changes people. It has changed my life to be loved by my church family. Better still it’s changed my kids lives…

I think the little jump in this picture says it all… here, there’s joy. It’s not without pain or difficulty and it’s absolutely never without sacrifice but it’s there still. JOY. 

Thank you CF Family, grateful doesn’t even cover it!

We love you!

XOXO

Miranda + Brandon

I Will Not Forget

I will not forget there is not suffering this side of eternity that compares with the glory you have prepared.

I will not forget the work of the whipping post, the work of the cross.

I will not forget the magnitude of a love that calls out to me across time and space, promising grace upon grace...

I will not take my eyes off eternity where finally I will rest at your feet, free of the weight of this flesh.

When all around me is heavy and dark when I am empty and unfulfilled, when my peace becomes loneliness...

I will remember your love and your power to overcome and that you are preparing for me an eternal weight of glory.

-M

The Cutting Season

If you're like me, you've struggled to step out of your comfort zone. So you pack up all of it's components and carry them around in a heavy suitcase... until finally you've grown enough that when you look down you think why was I carrying this again? 

It's my version of old bunny. Gemma's carried around this one eared bunny for years because it comforts her. It's a buffer between her and a world she's not ready to interact with. Her's is the healthy version. Mine's not. Gemma's version transitions her, mine holds me back.

I see so much of God in that.

God transitions me, he soothes me and when the world I'm not ready to confront terrifies me, He's there for me to hold on to. A familiar thing that comforts and reassures me but also pushes me to get up and press on again...

You see, you need that object of comfort because growing hurts. Literally. Some growth doesn't happen until you get so angry, disappointed, fed up with where you're at that you look yourself in the face and make a dare into the darkness and step into some big unknown.

Some of us are optimists and enter this time with a smile, relieved that at the very least we've made a decision. But others of us, like me, are not so optimistic. We carry fear and stubbornness right into that darkness and I'm sure God grins and shakes His head and kind of says okay, at least you're walking... I can work with that.

I call this the The Cutting Season. Some seasons of life we grow and flourish and it's a joyful time. But in a cutting season whatever growth you come by is painful. Here's how it happened for me. 

I felt such a hunger for the things of God in my heart, such a desire to take as many steps closer to him as I could but that old suitcase that I've carried around all my life... I couldn't carry into the next place, the higher place, the closer to his feet place. It was full of things like unforgiveness, anger, regret, insecurity... but the thing taking up the most space inside was pride. 

So in a moment of desperation God sat me down and he opened that suitcase right in front of me and gave me a choice... Unpack it, move on and choose Him as my comforter or sit right there and live in the mess that I'd made.

You know what I did? For a little while I chose my messy comfort zone because as awful as it was, it was familiar and safe. It didn't ask me to sing, write, share, testify, witness, worship or forgive... It let me be the same old Miranda I'd always been... complacent, yes... but also safe.

But the beautiful thing about God is that He loves you a lot and He's not nearly as attached to your issues as you are... He looked at me, mess and all and what He saw was desperation in my heart for Him and the work of His kingdom.

The cutting began when He grabbed my hand and pulled me in the direction of my dreams... See, I couldn't take pride with me, there wasn't time or room... I couldn't take unforgiveness or regret... I couldn't even take the thing that kept me most safe and most ineffective, my insecurity.

I looked just liked Gemma does when we walk into a new place or she's standing in the middle of a new experience and old bunny is at home... I looked lost and felt it too.

Here I learned that the side effects of growth are loneliness, frustration, hopelessness, burn out... Here I was, at my transition needing that familiar thing that I'd left behind. As often as I was tempted to turn back and abandon this new course of action that's just how often God showed up with a nudge of encouragement, to refill me and sustain me... to be a balm for the hard lessons I'd learned.

It's called The Cutting Season because I had a cosmic surgery. God looked at me and my hungry heart and said okay, daughter... you've got the dream. But your condition is inherently incapable of pursuing it. You'll need a new heart, a new mind, a new body... and that means cutting out the old things.

And as much as it hurt me I'm sure it hurt Him more. On this side of the journey, with a renewed heart and mind I can tell you it will definitely be worth it but it won't be easy... and that's how you know you're on the right track.


XOXO
Miranda

Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal. 
2 Corinthians 4:16-18

"being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ;"

Philippians 1:6

How's your heart?

Occasionally, when I can tell Gemma's having a rough day, I ask "how's you heart?". The other night when I asked she replied "a lot of good and a little bit of bad..." When she started kindergarten a couple of months ago we had a conversation about all the new things she'd experience... things I'd rather her not experience, glimpses into the lives of new friends might not look like ours and we've spent a small eternity protecting her from the hard things. 

We talked about being kind, and that sometimes people won't be kind to her. We talked about her responsibility to be kind anyways... So often when we're having heavy conversations a little part of me says she's too young, she can't grasp this. Then she takes the lesson and creates a metaphor that her brain can consume and she ends up teaching me a lesson. There is this constant ebb and flow in the dialogue between us. She's so incredibly smart, really they all are... much smarter than we give them credit for. 

When we talked about things like lying, making fun of other children, excluding friends... I told her this stuff invites ugliness into your heart. It makes it much harder to be a shining light, like Jesus wants us to be, because those things are dark and spread darkness. "like poison..." she said... "heart poison." Exactly like poison. So when I can see an opportunity I ask her... how's your heart? And she tells me about the friends who wouldn't let her play, and the loneliness that brought. She tells me about the bad feeling that came after saying a mean thing, and how it didn't make her feel better but saying sorry probably will... and as she does I pray... God give me the wisdom to parent her and guide her to the place you've called her to. 

You hear it said often, "they don't come with instructions..." and how true that is. All of our kids are so incredibly different. They each present these conundrums. Especially with Gemma because of the age she's at... I so often look at Brandon, my face a equation mark... where do we go from here? Because in a world like this one, set apart is not always easy and enjoyable... We want to teach our kids to get even, when Jesus asks us to teach them love and peace. How much harder when it's us, their parents, that want to rage and conspire, calculate how to get to the desired bottom line... when all He's asking us to do is trust him with the next 10 minutes. 

All I can say, is thank God for his grace...

xoxo

Miranda

Rue's 2nd Birthday Survey + Photos

I can't believe our smallest girl is TWO WHOLE YEARS old today. Time truly flies when you're having fun. I know because that's what this girl is... pure fun. 

What is your name?

Rooga Booga

How old are you?

Almost 2!

What is your favorite thing to do?

Cake.

What is your favorite food?

Cake.

What is your favorite drink?

Orange Juice

What is your favorite color?

Pink

What is your favorite animal?

cows...

What is your favorite show?

Boss Baby

XOXO

Miranda

Gemma's 5th Birthday Survey + Photos

Our girl is 5 today! We really can't believe it... She is so funny! Here are some photos we snapped in the yard really quick and her birthday survey! Read her 3rd birthday survey here!

What is your name?

Gemma Lane Phillips

How old are you?

Still 4 but almost gonna be 5. Oh no! TODAY I"M 5!

What is your favorite thing to do?

Play with crafts and make messes

What is your favorite food?

Donuts.

What is your favorite drink?

Sprite. 

What is your favorite color?

Pink

What is your favorite animal?

Unicorns

What is your favorite show?

Frozen

What is your favorite book?

Sparkle The Unicorn

Who is your best friend?

Lydia (a friend from Church!)

What makes you happy?

painting while Rue is sleeping...

What makes you sad?

When I can't play with any friends. 

What do you want to be when you grow up?

my own shop of hair styling.

We sure love our girl!
XOXO
Miranda

Sister Snapshot

I'm here to share a little update about these two... little lights in my life. The last update I shared about Rue was when we were weaning her... that feels like an eternity ago!

Rue Evangeline + 20 Months

Rue got my personality, y'all. She's decisive, stable and totally and completely comfortable on her own. She stands up for herself when Gemma starts a fight and I have to step in to make sure she doesn't stand up for herself too good. She is full of joy, she loves to laugh but she can also be pretty thoughtful. She eats twice as much as Gemma and weighs almost 28 pounds! She had her first dentist visit a few weeks ago and we learned her three year molars are about to break through! Yikes! She loves animals, especially Milo and occasionally realizes all over again that we own a dog and goes bonkers over him... he just loves it. She talks constantly which is one of the few differences between us. I just really forgot how fun this age is... she used to run up to me and say hold you, mom... Now she says hold you me, mom... SO cute. She loves to eat half an apple and then leave the core somewhere gross like the bathroom floor... she loves to sit in the middle of the table and jump on the trampoline. She is always challenging us. We've recently entered the No phase... literally everything is a no. Until you ask if she wants chocolate or a cupcake then she somehow understands the difference! She loves to be a momma and take care of her baby dolls, everything with a buckle is a carseat and she's always bringing me a diaper to put on a baby doll. Gemma never did this. So funny to see the differences in their personalities! Rue's hair is unbelievably curly. I was washing it like I wash Gemma's and it was breaking and super frizzy. I started doing some research, now we're loosely doing the Curly Girl Method and her hair is amazing when I do it. I just know this means she's gonna grow up and straighten every day of her life... 😭

Gemma Lane + 4 years old, 5 in June

Gemma is feisty. She is always creating something with sticks in the yard or random things she finds in the shop. She loves all things art. She's a very mechanical thinker, like her Dad. She's getting so excited for school, she can't wait to be able to read whatever books she wants. Gemma is loving but she likes her space, she's not nearly as physically affectionate as anyone else in our family and I kind of always feel sad that one of us is trying to hug her or hold her and she just wants to be left alone. She's 40 pounds and I don't know how because all she eats is spoonfuls of peanut butter and flour tortillas. She does love olives and salami with cheese and crackers... that's her favorite lunch. Gemma loves to make people laugh and is always making the funniest expressions when she talks... (photo proof below!) Yesterday I opened lid of the laying boxes on the chicken coop and there was a 6 foot chicken snake coiled up inside just having a feast of fresh eggs. I almost died. I dropped the lid, screamed for Rue to back up, snatched her up and ran like I was being chased. I hate snakes. Gemma heard all of the ruckus and came running! I told her what it was and she ran right out there with Brandon to kill the snake. That's the kind of girl she is. Always a problem solver, always ready to help unload the dish washer or switch over the clothes, always ready to protect Rue... she's got the social skills of a 40 year old marketing professional. She's either gonna be a talk show host or the worlds mot successful saleswoman. I'm regularly impressed with her... earlier I asked her why she didn't flush the toilet and she said Rue was sleeping, I didn't want to wake her up! So cute, probably playing me but still... so cute.

My sister (@thissweetlifeblog) bought us all these bracelets from Poppy Lane & Co. She and her family live in Colorado now and it's so hard for us to be apart. This is such a special little thing to connect us. Even my tiny baby niece Amelia wears hers everyday! They hold up so well for little ones! Ours are sterling silver.

I can't believe Easter is upon us. This is such a sweet time for me personally. Everything changed for me when I understood my life from Jesus' perspective. It's always my hope that Easter is the opening of a door for someone else too... We haven't made any plans for the girls but we did say we want to try the little battery powered tea lights in plastic eggs for a twilight easter egg hunt! I got them these baskets and didn't realize they were so big! I also didn't realize they come with grass, a tag and a cellophane bag for gifting. Such a good deal! 

I hope you're all having a great week! Can't wait to see everyone's family photos on Easter!

He is Risen!

XOXO

Miranda