Letters To My Daughter

When I was fifteen I started writing letters to Gemma, the little girl I wasn't sure I'd ever have.

When I started writing them, I obviously had no clue if I'd really ever have a daughter. At the time my parent's were going through a divorce. My home life was turbulent and I was heart broken. I had a storybook childhood and I was so upset that it was coming to an end.

Somehow in the middle of all of my sadness it occurred to me that I might have children one day and that I could tell those children or child at least all about what I was going through. I could tell them now, when I was 15, 17, 20... so that later they wouldn't roll their eyes and say "you're old Mom, what do you know!?' 

Down the road it turned into boyfriends, jobs, bad decisions, regrets, lessons I'd learned in hopes that she wouldn't have to learn some of hers the hard way... Through the years I've written about my life, never withholding details or information. Even writing a disclaimer on the outside of some of the envelopes saying DON'T OPEN THIS ONE UNTIL 18! Kudos to my teenage self for protecting my hypothetical daughter.

When I met Brandon one of the first things we talked about was having kids. Marrying him
would make me a step mom and all that goes along with it. I wasn't sure if he'd be open to having another child given all that he'd gone through with the ones he already had, but I knew I wanted to be a Mom in my own way.

Time went on and our relationship turned into more than we ever thought it would. We both wanted to have a baby and finally the time was right. We talked about names and gender... We chose names for a boy and a girl just in case. He knew about the letters and he knew that 15 year old me had already chosen a name and dedicated large chunks of my life to a little girl named Gemma. He was totally okay with it. He assumed that was our girl name and I was dumbfounded yet again by how much he loved me... 

Three months after that I was sick as a dog, laying in bed for a nap when he came in and told me to take a test. After trying for three months with nothing but negative results I swore I wouldn't take another one until I was sure and I wasn't. I told him no... and then I took one anyway. He was sitting at the kitchen table working when I came into the hallway and just stared at him. It was positive and I couldn't even say so. I was beside myself. We hugged and cried and hoped for a girl.

The time for the gender ultrasound came and we high fived when the Doctor told us it was a girl. We had our Gemma... After all the letters and all the wondering and waiting.

I kept writing through pregnancy and up until now and they've kind of become a replacement for a baby book. I always add photos and info about the silly things she does or says, my struggles as a mom, wife, woman... I put all of the best parts of my heart into these letters and I am honest with her about my faults. They've become a timeline of our lives and I am thankful for whatever it was that encouraged me to start writing with them and even more grateful for the love I have for her that has pushed me to continue writing them... 

It's been 10 years and hundreds of letters and you can imagine that they are piling up a bit. A few weeks ago I created an email address for her and I have started sending letters there and writing paper letters less often... 

So there they sit in the bottom of the book shelf in shoe boxes, waiting for her to ask what they are. I wonder what she'll make of them and I wonder if my plan will ever really work. I wonder if my mistakes can keep her from making at least one of her own. If that happens it'll be worth it. Although, I'm sure, like me, she'll be telling Brandon and I that she has to learn some things for herself... Also, I really hope that there is some small chance that it will encourage her to write to her own someday babies...

XOXO

Miranda